Understanding and Navigating Temper Tantrums
Author: Dr. Leigha MacNeill, Purdue University
Temper Tantrums are a Normal Part of Toddlerhood
We know that toddlers have minds of their own, which can lead to really big feelings. There are many things they want to do but can’t, which is why they might get cranky or frustrated. In these situations, they often experience temper tantrums, which are episodes of frustration that can include behaviors such as shouting, crying, stamping, and aggression. Tantrums are a normal part of healthy development as children begin to think for themselves and express their needs. In fact, tantrums are expected, particularly during transitions from one activity to the next, like when it’s time to clean up our toys or get in the car to go to daycare. Toddlers are also just learning how to manage feelings like frustration and disappointment, which are essential parts of self-control. These skills are what help children get along with others and get ready for school.
When to Worry About Tantrums
If you’re wondering whether your toddler’s tantrums are normal, you’re not alone! Tantrums are one of the most talked about concerns with pediatricians, but some children deal with bigger emotions than others. When we think about what’s “normal”, we often consider both the behavior itself and how the behavior interferes with developmental milestones and family functioning:
- Frequency: While tantrums are common, it’s rarer for them to occur multiple times every day.
- Context: While tantrums are expected during daily routines and transitions, it’s rarer for them to happen “out of the blue”.
- Intensity: While tantrums can often be challenging to deal with, it’s rarer for them to be destructive or intense most of the time.
- Recovery: For many kids, recovering after temper loss can take time and require adult support. It becomes more concerning when tantrums require substantial adult support and the child still has difficulty recovering.
- Over Time: Tantrums should decrease as children move through preschool because their self-regulation skills often improve during this time. It’s rarer for tantrums to be stable or get worse as children approach kindergarten.
A recent study(1) found that for toddlers, the behaviors that predicted most family challenges were holding breath during a tantrum, yelling angrily, and having tantrums with adults other than parents. In preschool, those behaviors were holding breath during a tantrum, doing things that could hurt themselves during a tantrum, having tantrums with other adults, and having tantrums that interfere with getting along with other children. Another study found that tantrums involving being aggressive toward oneself were most concerning for the child’s future mental health(2).
What can Parents do in the Moment?
As a parent, you are the best teacher for your child. Self-regulation skills can be taught just like any other skills. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible to control your own emotions when your child is having a tantrum, but there are ways to keep your cool and help your child learn strategies to do the same. First, show that you hear them by validating their feelings. It can help by labeling their emotions, such as, “I hear that you want to stay outside blowing bubbles. You’re frustrated with me because you can’t stay outside.” After validating, you can ignore mild tantrums, as long as your child isn’t in physical danger or overly distressed. It’s important not to reinforce tantrums by giving in to the child’s request or giving them your attention throughout. When your child’s tantrum ends, praise the behavior, such as, “Thank you for coming inside! I am proud of you.” It can also be helpful to praise listening behaviors even when your child is not in an irritable mood because they’re better able to pay attention.
Finally, model self-regulation strategies in front of your child—they’re watching how you act and these strategies can also help you calm down too. When your child is distressed, one of the best things you can do is calmly sit with them in a quiet place and help them get to a place where you can take deep breaths together. Taking deep breaths can activate the vagus nerve, which connects the brain and the digestive system and controls heart rate. Deep breaths send calming signals that relax these organs.
Seeking Support
The first five years of life are particularly important because they set the stage for social-emotional health across the lifespan. It’s also a time when interventions are most effective. If you feel that your young child may be experiencing challenges such as very frequent, lengthy, destructive, or seemingly out of the blue tantrums, or if they can’t calm down no matter what you do, talk to your doctor about options to help grow your child’s self-regulation skills.
Read More:
The following resources provide more detailed information. If you are interested in knowing more, please contact either Dr. MacNeill, or contact@jitp.info
- Wakschlag, L. S., Zhang, Y., Heffernan, M. E., MacNeill, L. A., Peterson, E. O., Friedland, S., Sass, A. J., Smith, J. D., Davis, M. M., & Wiggins, J. L. (2024). How EASI can it be? Closing the research-to-practice gap via population-based validation of the MAPS-EASI 2.0 early childhood irritability screener for translation to clinical use. Translational Issues in Psychological Science. https://doi.org/10.1037/tps0000428
- Hoyniak, C. P., Donohue, M. R., Quiñones-Camacho, L. E., Vogel, A. C., Perino, M. T., Hennefield, L., Tillman, R., Barch, D. M., & Luby, J. L. (2023). Developmental pathways from preschool temper tantrums to later psychopathology. Development and Psychopathology, 35(4), 1643-1655. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579422000359
- Wakschlag, L. S., Briggs‐Gowan, M. J., Carter, A. S., Hill, C., Danis, B., Keenan, K., McCarthy, K., J., & Leventhal, B. L. (2007). A developmental framework for distinguishing disruptive behavior from normative misbehavior in preschool children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 48(10), 976-987. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2007.01786.x